


Cursed Omelettes

by NegativNein



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cooking, Cunning Plans, Established Relationship, Foiled Again, Jealous Steve, M/M, Memories, Plans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 23:16:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4498443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NegativNein/pseuds/NegativNein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From this prompt: "Steve wants to do something nice for Tony like cook something thinking Bruce, who has Alfred, can't cook. People like to think Bruce can't cook but Bruce is a scientist and cooking is food science!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cursed Omelettes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KainNero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KainNero/gifts).



> For Kain, who left this lovely prompt in the comments.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  
Tony doesn't look like someone who cares much about what he eats, but surely he will appreciate a home cooked meal, right?

Well, Steve's willing to try. Steve's willing to try anything, at this point.  
Tony has been dating Bruce Wayne for months (months!) and the affair shows no sign of slowing down.  
And all his covert efforts to show Tony that a handsome billionaire playboy might not be the best life partner, that a fellow superhero truly will be the optimal choice in the long run... all those efforts have rebounded quite spectacularly on Wayne's ability to handle basically anything with patrician aplomb.  
There's something to this preppy education thing, evidently. Who would have thought?  
Anyway, it's not like Steve's simply jealous. No, he's looking out for Tony. He's being a good friend. Truly. Pinkie swear. And that's why Wayne has to go.

So, cooking. Steve surely has the - much needed - tactical advantage here: there's no way a guy who grew up with a butler can boil an egg, much less cook. No way.  
So the plan is solid. Sound. Foolproof. There's just this tiny flaw. Nothing major. Inconsequential, really.

...It's just that Steve can't cook, like, _at all!_

Well, he can boil an egg. And, let's see... he can go to the grocery store and buy one of those bags of pre-cleaned salad leaves. And some pre-made dressing. There, done! Salad, with hard boiled eggs. Healthy and nutritious.

The 'get groceries' part of the mission goes off without a hitch. He even gets a super saver, family sized eggs carton. If he's successful, he can keep making egg salads for Tony for days, he figures.  
He timed his entrance well - he's totally a tactical genius, you know - and Tony is right there in the common kitchen, scrounging for food. Steve can nonchalantly make the offer to share his salad. And Tony will see that a pair of pretty blue eyes cannot compare to the ability to be a good provider. It's in the bag.  
Sadly, the owner of those pretty blue eyes - and yes, Steve can admit that Wayne is good looking, ok? Handsome, even. This would be so much easier if he weren't, you know? So much easier - is right there, critically inspecting the contents of a cupboard.  
Nevertheless, the plan will go on as... planned. OK? Right!

"Hey Tony! Looking for something to eat?"

"Oh, hey, Steve! Yep, Bruce and I were just thinking of taking a lunch break, and my kitchen is stocked only with martini olives and pearl onions"

"Well, I'm making a salad. With eggs. Hard boiled eggs. And salad dressing." He shows each item to Tony, like in a cooking show "I can share, if you like? I'll boil the eggs myself" he adds proudly.

"Oh, well, thank you! Bruce, what do you think?"

Wayne has taken out a tin of something, and is now eyeing Steve's egg carton. Steve has a brief moment to savour victory - A-ha! You sucker, I bet you wish you knew how to boil an egg now! - and then Wayne speaks:

"If Captain Rogers could part with a few of his eggs, I could make you an omelette. We have pâté de foie gras here, and I'm sure there's some butter in the fridge"

Tony beams "Oh, yes, please, Steve, I'll give you whatever you want if you can spare a few eggs! A suit upgrade! A new jet! Bruce's foie gras omelette is to die for!"

Steve chokes on air... and recovers feebly "Of course, you can have the eggs, Tony. I didn't know you cooked, Mr. Wayne"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, Captain. Alfred, the family butler, only taught me some of the basics before I left for university. Just enough to survive, really. Foie gras omelette, caviar frittata, lobster rolls, crab salad, shucked oysters... a few things to impress the ladies, he said. Of course, the only one I ever managed to impress with my cooking skills was Tony here."

"Hey, I'm totally classy like a lady. Alfred knows. And the lab cooking skills were impressive, Brucie. I didn't know you could use a Bunsen burner and beakers to such delicious ends. Really, Steve, you have to try the omelette. Those kept me alive in the M.I.T. years"

"Well, if you had remembered to eat on your own, I would not have been forced to come down from Princeton, break into the lab and feed you, you know?"

Meanwhile, Wayne has selected a skillet, melted the butter over a low fire and is cracking the eggs open with a practised wrist motion. Steve sits down.

"Yeah, yeah, I was a pain in the ass and you were the best boyfriend ever - happy now, Bruce?"

"Ecstatic"

"...wait, b-b-b-boyfriend? You two were together before?"

"Why, yes... I keep forgetting you were not around for my tabloid-y teens, Steve, but Bruce and I were an item back then. It's public knowledge, really." To Wayne he adds "I believe I still have your Princeton's polo team jersey somewhere"

"And I kept your M.I.T. sweater through all my travels, the one thing I could not bear to lose" Wayne says in a strange, wistful tone. 

Tony gets up to plant a soft kiss on Wayne's cheek, says "It's alright, babe" and sits back down.

Wayne presents them with a plateful of foie gras omelettes each. They're delicious. Damn.

But there's clearly new intel to be gathered here. It's not over. Not by a long shot. Steve may have lost the battle, but he will not concede the war... he's a tactical genius, Howard said so, if he just believes in himself victory cannot be far. And he can still eat his store bought salad for dinner, really.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I managed to make myself hungry here. Feedback, please please please?


End file.
